This weeks joke

chrisk

Hero member
New imagrant when to English lessons. They went on feild trip, first to the airport, learned to say take off. Then to the zoo, he learned zebra. Next stop to the maternity ward, where he leaned baby.

On the bus trip home a lady asked what he'd been doing today..... learned some new words he replied ... oh really, what did you learn?

Take off zebra baby.
 
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Legs

Guest
Please spare a thought for my old neighbour Bill. He was rushed to hospital early today after a huge wasp landed on his face while we were all sitting in the garden. Luckily he was't stung, I was way too quick with the shovel.
 

chrisk

Hero member
Legs said:
Please spare a thought for my old neighbour Bill. He was rushed to hospital early today after a huge wasp landed on his face while we were all sitting in the garden. Luckily he was't stung, I was way too quick with the shovel.

This reminds me of a movie, it may be a little cryptic: The wasp was a grasshopper ........ before Bill dies, make sure he does up his jacket buttons.
 

Shajota

Hero member
An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the
shadows.
"Twenty Euros,? she whispers.
Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides -- what the hell, it's only
twenty Euros.
He takes up her offer and they hide in the bushes......!

They're going at it pretty good for a couple of minutes, when, all of a
sudden, a light flashes on them,

It's a police officer..!

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer,

"I'm making love to me wife", the Irishman answers sounding very annoyed...!
"Oh, I'm so sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know!"
"Well, neither did I", said Paddy, "til ya shined dat blody light in her face!!!?
 

Lav the impala

Senior member
Who says building a border wall won't work. 





The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still don't have any Mexicans.


 

Simonr501

Hero member
Location
Lympne, Kent. UK
Actual conversation I heard at work this week.

Q). Is Steve xxxxxx back from the Caribbean yet?
A).Yeah, he has lost quite a bit of weight and he is really brown - HE LOOKS LIKE A BURNT MATCH!
 

drikko

Hero member
Location
Orstralia
I've been known to drive out of my way for a Bunnings sausage sizzle.......

http://www.news.com.au/finance/business/retail/bunning-debuts-its-first-ever-uk-ad/news-story/ed8962b568cc830a80dfc4a4ea35bd47

 

71Laverda750SF

Hero member
drikko said:
I've been known to drive out of my way for a Bunnings sausage sizzle.......

http://www.news.com.au/finance/business/retail/bunning-debuts-its-first-ever-uk-ad/news-story/ed8962b568cc830a80dfc4a4ea35bd47

Really appears she makes the Sausage Sizzle along the way  :eek:
 

drikko

Hero member
Location
Orstralia
Two cannibals are sharing a lost tourist. "You start at the feet. I'll start at the head." says the first. After a little while he notices his friend hasn't said much. "You ok?" he asks.
"Fine." Comes the reply. "I'm having a ball."
"You're eating too fast."
 

Shajota

Hero member
    Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

    Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

    One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'
    Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper
    and held it up to him.
    'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

    As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'
    Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.
    Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

    As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her,
    Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand.
    'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel,
    'Not that Damn Breathalyser Test again.!!!'
 
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Legs

Guest
This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said, "Where are you going?"  He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife put on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
 

eric

Senior member
 
            Two flies are buzzing around when they spot a hot fresh steaming turd, they both land on it. One of them farts,
              and the other fly shouts, "hey! do you mind, I'm eating here!"
             
 

Shajota

Hero member
One for the Lawyers :D

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.

The attorney asks, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
The coroner says, "No."
The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
"No."
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating says, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
 
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