Author Topic: This weeks joke  (Read 34721 times)

Offline chrisk

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This weeks joke
« on: February 05, 2017, 01:48 »
New imagrant when to English lessons. They went on feild trip, first to the airport, learned to say take off. Then to the zoo, he learned zebra. Next stop to the maternity ward, where he leaned baby.

On the bus trip home a lady asked what he'd been doing today..... learned some new words he replied ... oh really, what did you learn?

Take off zebra baby.
The initial attraction to motorcycling inflicts people for various reasons and at different stages in their lives. But once someone experiences the elation of riding a motorcycle there’s no denying the nearly spiritual effect it has.

Offline Legs

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Re: This weeks joke
« Reply #1 on: February 05, 2017, 10:58 »
Please spare a thought for my old neighbour Bill. He was rushed to hospital early today after a huge wasp landed on his face while we were all sitting in the garden. Luckily he was't stung, I was way too quick with the shovel.

Offline chrisk

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Re: This weeks joke
« Reply #2 on: February 05, 2017, 20:55 »
Please spare a thought for my old neighbour Bill. He was rushed to hospital early today after a huge wasp landed on his face while we were all sitting in the garden. Luckily he was't stung, I was way too quick with the shovel.

This reminds me of a movie, it may be a little cryptic: The wasp was a grasshopper ........ before Bill dies, make sure he does up his jacket buttons.
The initial attraction to motorcycling inflicts people for various reasons and at different stages in their lives. But once someone experiences the elation of riding a motorcycle there’s no denying the nearly spiritual effect it has.

Offline Shajota

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Re: This weeks joke
« Reply #3 on: February 05, 2017, 22:34 »
An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the
shadows.
"Twenty Euros,” she whispers.
Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides -- what the hell, it's only
twenty Euros.
He takes up her offer and they hide in the bushes......!

They're going at it pretty good for a couple of minutes, when, all of a
sudden, a light flashes on them,

It's a police officer..!

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer,

"I'm making love to me wife", the Irishman answers sounding very annoyed...!
"Oh, I'm so sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know!"
"Well, neither did I", said Paddy, "til ya shined dat blody light in her face!!!”
PETER

Offline Lav the impala

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Re: This weeks joke
« Reply #4 on: February 06, 2017, 10:37 »


Who says building a border wall won't work. 
 
 
 
 
 
 The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still don't have any Mexicans.
 


Offline SimonR501

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Re: This weeks joke
« Reply #5 on: February 11, 2017, 19:09 »
Actual conversation I heard at work this week.

Q). Is Steve xxxxxx back from the Caribbean yet?
A).Yeah, he has lost quite a bit of weight and he is really brown - HE LOOKS LIKE A BURNT MATCH!
Laverda Jota 120 - 1982.
LG F1495BDA Direct Drive Washing Machine.
Black & Decker GLC3630L20 36v Cordless Telescopic Grass Trimmer.
SimonR501 Flickr Photos.http://www.flickr.com/photos/simonr501

Offline drikko

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Re: This weeks joke
« Reply #6 on: February 13, 2017, 17:39 »
Rgs1000 '83
Triumph Sprint ST1050
Cosi prefers crow eaters....
Breville Sandwich Maker

DISCLAIMER:- Anything I say may have been when I was sober so please don't take it personally.
'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.' Oscar Wilde

Offline henry

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Re: This weeks joke
« Reply #7 on: February 13, 2017, 22:26 »
Spooky

Online Gerald

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Re: This weeks joke
« Reply #8 on: February 15, 2017, 07:02 »
 ;D
__o
_- \_<,
(*) /' (*)

Offline telecasterguru

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Re: This weeks joke
« Reply #9 on: February 15, 2017, 10:47 »
Before my time.
I am ethically obliged to ride motorcycles.

Offline '71 SF

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Re: This weeks joke
« Reply #10 on: February 15, 2017, 14:24 »
I've been known to drive out of my way for a Bunnings sausage sizzle.......

http://www.news.com.au/finance/business/retail/bunning-debuts-its-first-ever-uk-ad/news-story/ed8962b568cc830a80dfc4a4ea35bd47

Really appears she makes the Sausage Sizzle along the way  :o

Offline drikko

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Re: This weeks joke
« Reply #11 on: February 17, 2017, 04:03 »
Two cannibals are sharing a lost tourist. "You start at the feet. I'll start at the head." says the first. After a little while he notices his friend hasn't said much. "You ok?" he asks.
"Fine." Comes the reply. "I'm having a ball."
"You're eating too fast."
Rgs1000 '83
Triumph Sprint ST1050
Cosi prefers crow eaters....
Breville Sandwich Maker

DISCLAIMER:- Anything I say may have been when I was sober so please don't take it personally.
'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.' Oscar Wilde

Offline Shajota

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Re: This weeks joke
« Reply #12 on: February 19, 2017, 01:48 »
    Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

    Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

    One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'
    Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper
    and held it up to him.
    'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

    As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'
    Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.
    Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

    As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her,
    Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand.
    'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel,
    'Not that Damn Breathalyser Test again.!!!'
PETER

Offline Legs

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Re: This weeks joke
« Reply #13 on: February 19, 2017, 11:26 »
This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said, "Where are you going?"  He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife put on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

Offline chrisk

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Re: This weeks joke
« Reply #14 on: February 20, 2017, 21:55 »
 :laugh: This is a classic:
I want to race a mint 97' 668 Diamante. 
The initial attraction to motorcycling inflicts people for various reasons and at different stages in their lives. But once someone experiences the elation of riding a motorcycle there’s no denying the nearly spiritual effect it has.